Dear Younger Me,

When I was planning to write this letter, I was planning to write a different letter entirely. The letter I wanted to write was based on when you left Canterbury, defeated, isolated and scared. I wanted to show you that going to London, was not the step back you thought it was, and that this is a city full of opportunities, friends, and even second chances. 

But, then I found the folder. Full of Housing Benefit forms, rules and regulations, and a budgeting template, as I was tidying this flat. Ah……

After nearly two years, of living in a hostel, being burdened with labels

The person you were nearly seven and a half years ago, was someone who in a sense had started to move beyond the baggage he had bought with him to London. After nearly two years, of living in a hostel, being burdened with labels such as “Learning Disabled”, “Vulnerable” and “Depressed,” and “Unemployable,” you managed to secure your own flat, and this was the start of (what you hoped) would be the great renaissance of graduate independence, fun and hope. 

Except, it didn’t go to plan, and here you are agreeing to move into this flat, partly to keep your mum quiet. 

For years, I know how much you’ve batted away people’s thoughts and assumptions that you were on the spectrum. How much you masked “normality” because you didn’t want to be one of “them!!” 

Moving here is going to come as quite a shock. You will find yourself engrossed in a world which will make every fibre of you uncomfortable and confront stereotypes that have shaped your very existence.

But, let us talk about the good. That journey, (which is painful, but humbling and enlightening,) will lead you to start a journey that sees Autism, not as a life sentence of hopelessness and despair, but as a unique facet to people’s lives (that makes them who they are!) You will recognise unique, wonderful characteristics in those who you previous reviled; warmth, fun, humour, intelligence, kindness, and empathy. 

And you’ll recognise in yourself, that you don’t need to (entirely) live up to other people’s expectations. You are a pretty special guy and you will do many special things whilst staying here. I know you don’t believe that, and nearly seven and a half years later, you will still be here, struggling with self-doubt and inadequacy. But, please believe that it is worth celebrating all of you, not just the bits you find “valuable.”

And you’ll recognise in yourself, that you don’t need to (entirely) live up to other people’s expectations

Of course, there will be challenges too. But I’m not able to talk about those.

So, reading this, the biggest question you will want to know from me is, “Am I on the spectrum?” The truth is, I don’t know. The evidence isn’t conclusive. Official assessments say no, mum says yes. That’s something you may or may not get a full answer to in the course of your life. But regardless, I hope you can celebrate the unique way that God created you and how those gifts really can be a blessing to yourself and others.  

Oh no, why am I talking about God! Don’t I realise that going to Church and being a Christian is just an act for you until things truly fall into place? You’ll see! ;-) 

Bayhano