Letters to My Younger Self

Dear Reader,

Roll back the clock, a little past twelve and you will find a young black teen full of insecurities. A teen with a desire to be known.

It would be easy to provide you with reasons for my insecurities: a fractured parental relationship, domestic abuse, identity crisis, bullying and few friends. Regardless of the reasons, looking back the feelings associated with my insecurities were crippling.

The desire to be known and not alone was not something I could easily express because I was not aware of them. There was, however, a constant feeling of being the ‘black sheep’ (pun intended), never quite fitting in was painful.

As with any strong feelings: pain, shame, guilt or anger, it shapes our experiences, reality and the decisions we make for good or ill.

With hindsight, I probably could have opened up more. However, the fear of rejection was overwhelming. This fear compounded my feelings of loneliness and isolation.

As an introvert, I would often withdraw, seeking to find resources within myself to hide. Outwardly, I was doing relatively well. I was kind, people could depend on me, I did not get into trouble with teachers or do drugs, and my grades were relatively good. Inside, however, I was hurting.

While in college, I found myself in rather unusual situations with adults and new friends, who invited me to open up more. In the last year of college, I became a born-again Christian. I joined a local Pentecostal church, and my journey of healing and restoration continued. I found friendships, long-lasting, friendships that prevented me from becoming an emotional hermit.

In many ways, I wish I came to faith earlier. Not because of some misguided religious piety but to know of the immeasurable love that Jesus readily offers through community.

Maybe, I would have stood my ground when I got bullied. I have often told myself. Maybe, I would have avoided searching for intimacy in pornography or, I would have reassured myself that I was never truly alone. Hindsight is a beautiful thing as they say.

Wisdom is Godly experience

The reality is, however, wisdom is Godly experience - Proverbs 5:1. It is these experiences we use to learn and grow.

Last year during the lockdown, I spent a great deal of time reflecting on my childhood and what I might have done differently in my early adulthood, God knows we all probably had too much time to think.

I had a thought - If I had the opportunity, what advice would I offer to my younger self? So, I began writing a series of letters to my ‘younger self’.

I would be lying if I said this was an easy process. I tried to resist it initially, but I eventually found the process healing. Partly because It dawned on me that as a child, I was powerless to change things. The heavy burden of responsibility for adults and their decisions often falls at the door of children. There is an Injustice in this. I am truly thankful to my mother who did her best to shield me and my siblings from this as best as she could.

These burdens are not for children to carry! To those of us who have carried burdens into adulthood, I hope this series helps you let them go. Yes, to let them go. And, maybe this series for others may be a reminder to avoid causing the same injuries against the next generation.

An invitation to others

I realised early on that I was not the only one that might benefit from this process of reflecting, writing and reading. Sharing our stories can be healing for us all. The philosophy of Ubuntu proclaims -

'I Am Because We Are':

So, at the end of last year, I invited others to join me to be guest authors and contributors to this series.

The sentiment ‘wisdom cannot be separated from experience’ is shared by all the authors. The authors in this series join me in sharing what they might say to their younger selves and I hope by sharing their advice, they too may offer helpful and encouraging insights to you the reader.

Wisdom cannot be separated from experience

As you read, you will experience an abundance of authenticity. You will notice that some guest authors are anonymous. I decided very early on to allow authors to submit anonymously. For some following the twelfth tradition of addiction groups: 'Anonymity is the spiritual foundation’. For others, privacy is important, ensuring the content of their letter does not impact their everyday life. Our authors come from a cross-section of society, religion, class, culture, age, sexuality and ability.

I hope that in a small way, as we share our stories, our journeys and for some their discovery of God in suffering, we all might experience healing. I invite you to join us as we share, listen and learn together.

I want to thank every single guest author, for their integrity and courage in sharing their stories.

Nate