Letters to My Younger Self: Davina Beckford
Dear Younger Self,
I want to talk to you about your fear. I don't know if you realise this but when it grips you it takes control of your decision-making processes.
It is a crippling kind of fear that is stopping your natural reactions and leaving you frozen and still. It is sending you running away from the very things you dream of being, having and doing. It is a dream killer and a success stealer.
I write to the terrified 12-year-old who caught the eye of her older molester and who has been crippled by fear ever since. I write to the precocious pre-teen who wakes up terrified on the eve of almost every school outing which would have shown you new horizons and new worlds, but which you will cancel because of the dream you had the night before. You remember, the dream that showed the school bus crash that never happens but results in missed opportunity - again!
Did the fear arise because of the molestation? You were once so fearless! So confident. What caused you to cower away? What took your courage?
Was it the lack of parental covering, no voice to affirm your true value and purpose? What consumed your self-worth and dignity? Who said you couldn't do it, wouldn't achieve it?
Let go! Let go and look forward to what God will make of you! Look toward what He will make of your story! He will make you a conqueror. You will face down that giant of fear and say: 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! Some will call you a giant slayer!
If I could go back then I would tell you that God's intentions have always been good towards you and His promise to take care of you was real. Do you remember the real bus crash on your first day travelling to college?
You were sitting up front in the Toyota minibus, sandwiched between two other passengers and the driver. You were sitting forward so the others had more room. But right before it happened, a passenger sitting in the back got out and the driver sent you around to take their seat, right before he collided on the bend and went flying through the windscreen. It would have been you if you hadn't been moved.
The bus crash happened but it was not the school bus, this was years later and not with the results the dream had threatened either! You survived with only cuts and bruises. Forever grateful to that driver, whose instruction saved your life. It's almost as if he took your place on the road. God was taking care of you and He never intended for fear to dominate you.
You need to trust more. You spend so much time hiding your inner thoughts and turmoil, trying to be strong all by yourself and strong for everyone else. You need to learn to lean on others, there are those with pure intentions, not everyone wants to hurt you. Your fight for the weak has already begun but you need to apply some of that fight for yourself. Take courage now and press on even in the face of fear.
You can't see it now but at 16 you will be teaching secondary school children, you will even be a form teacher, looking out for the welfare of your students and you will do it well. You will go on to successfully complete your diploma in teaching at a prestigious college.
There is so much more that you will accomplish, and it will require all your courage. Your self-worth will become evident to others and your self-esteem will be restored. People will want to hear what you have to teach because God will give you grace and favour. So be courageous now because fear will not dictate your life in the future, it will no longer be your master!
Davina
Written by
Davina Beckford
Davina is a single Christian woman from London who spent some of her formative years in the Caribbean. Davina enjoys reading and baking.
“ I am truly grateful for Davina’s courage and honesty in sharing her experience. If you found anything in this letter triggering and you would like to talk to someone, I have placed a button below with a list of organisations that support survivors of abuse. You are not alone!
Nathan L. McGuire